Pizza Girl part three
Price: 8.00
(Undisclosed)
Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight.
attacked money carrying waving knife dinner knife stupid life cash bicycle hockey stick yard long unclipped swung head ducked caught shoulder yelled bitch left ear second swipe stick staggered baseball bat sports equipment practice cutlery bounced follow through smashed weapon dazed right hand cracking knuckles drop blade disarmed pizza bike rode off blood standard strike shins oops sorry aim raised hard satisfying crack assailant finished bracket sunset night time moonlight
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Pizza Girl part three
Price: 5.00
(Undisclosed)
Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight.
attacked money carrying waving knife dinner knife stupid life cash bicycle hockey stick yard long unclipped swung head ducked caught shoulder yelled bitch left ear second swipe stick staggered baseball bat sports equipment practice cutlery bounced follow through smashed weapon dazed right hand cracking knuckles drop blade disarmed pizza bike rode off blood standard strike shins oops sorry aim raised hard satisfying crack assailant finished bracket sunset night time moonlight
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The tosser
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
I'm a tosser. It's a fairly new sport, derived from the older game of dwarf tossing, but this is the grown-up version. Man tossing. The man is 150 pounds, that's a standard. But it turns out that quite a few men are 150 or less (if they're less, then they can be made up with some weights) and it doesn't matter how tall they are. And it turns out that quite a few men volunteer to be tossed by a big strong amazon giantess. Like me. I'm six foot nine, 290 pounds, and most of those pounds are muscle. I love man tossing, it's a great sport. Picking up a man with his crash helmet on, and launching him over the sand pit to get a longer toss than my fellow athletes - there's nothing better. I hear that next year it's going to be an Olympic sport. We all have our preferred toss-pot. Mine is little Cecil. He's quite short, and struggles to make 150, so we often have to strap a few iron disks onto him to make up the weight. We practice regularly. I also practice with a dummy weighing a fair bit more, but that's not as satisfying as flinging a live man across the sand, so whenever I can get a volunteer, I'll practice with him instead. Cecil doesn't like that, but he doesn't get to say who I toss.
tosser sport derived dwarf tossing grown-up version man tossing 150 pounds standard weights tall volunteer big strong amazon giantess six foot nine 290 pounds muscle crash helmet sand pit longer toss fellow athletes Olympic sport preferred toss-pot Cecil short iron disks weight practice dummy live man sand volunteer
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The Plough Girl Squadron, part 2
Price: 3.00
(Undisclosed)
The Plough Girl Squadron was each supposed to patrol alone, because we reckoned that one plough girl would be more than enough to deal with any situation she encountered. But to start with, I wanted to accompany them, to make sure that the exacting standards of the NYPD were being complied with. The first of the PIGS to go out, was Ludmilla, aka Milly. We made an eye-opening pair. Milly was five feet ten, which is short for a plough girl, but she made up for that with her width. She has to go through a normal two feet eight inch door sideways, otherwise her shoulders wouldn't fit. I haven't tried this experiment, but I think I'd need at least a six foot tape measure to go around her upper body, even though her boobs don't add much to her circumference.
Plough Girl Squadron patrol alone situation NYPD standards Ludmilla Milly height width door shoulders tape measure upper body boobs.
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